


Broken

by LostCauses (Anteros)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 17:42:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29562786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anteros/pseuds/LostCauses
Summary: He’s waited his whole life for this moment.  But as he stands there in the dimly lit basement, and opens the journal that contains the truth of the world, Erwin feels…nothing.  His heart is hammering in his chest but Erwin is numb. Empty. This longed for victory cannot fill the absence that swells inside him, monstrous and uncontainable.  Levi is gone. He paid for this truth with his life. Erwin has won the battle but lost his world.An AU in which Levi dies in Shiganshina and Erwin survives.
Relationships: Levi Ackerman/Erwin Smith
Comments: 26
Kudos: 240





	Broken

**Author's Note:**

> Anon on Tumblr asked: What do you think Erwin's life would be without Levi? Would he achieve his goals and find the strength to continue going through hell, or would he just give up at some point and let things go wrong...I think he would be very lonely and sad...
> 
> Huge thanks to ackermantihora for translating this fic into Russian: [Broken](https://ficbook.net/readfic/10486973) and also for creating this [beautiful art](https://twitter.com/ackermantihora/status/1367473887525691398?s=20).

He’s waited his whole life for this moment. Ever since that fateful day, he’s been consumed by the impossible dream of proving that he was right. That the theories that cost his father his life, that his friends and comrades mocked and derided him for, were right all along. For all these long years he carried this silent burden, the selfish dream he concealed behind noble words and brave deeds. How many lives had he already sacrificed for his own self-serving goal? One more shouldn’t make any difference. 

But as he stands there in the dimly lit basement, and opens the journal that contains the truth of the world, Erwin feels…nothing. His heart is hammering in his chest but Erwin is numb. Empty. This longed for victory cannot fill the absence that swells inside him, monstrous and uncontainable. Levi is gone. He paid for this truth with his life. Erwin has won the battle but lost his world. 

Erwin scours the battlefield for him, he will not leave until he finds his broken body, far out beyond where the rest of his comrades lie strewn across the plain. There are too few survivors and too many dead to gather up the remains of the Survey Corps’ fallen. They have no choice but to leave them where the lie. But Levi, he will not suffer that beloved body to be left as carrion, to be picked apart by the crows that are already circling the field. Erwin refuses to let anyone else touch him, not even Hanji. He lifts him carefully, his body limp and heavy in his arms, and carries him back to Shinganshina. At the end of a rubble-strewn street he finds a house that is mostly intact, and there, in a bright garret room, he lays him to rest. He cleans the room meticulously first, the thought of Levi lying alone amidst the dust fills him with horror. With all the tenderness that was denied him in life, Erwin wipes the blood and the dirt from his face, places a single kiss on his cold lips, and wraps him in his own cloak before placing him on the bed. He sits at the foot of the bed until the light fades, and Hanji climbs the stairs to call him back to the hell of the world. 

“Erwin, it’s time to go.” 

As he stands, he notices that they’ve placed a vase of flowers on the table by the bed. He hesitates before leaving, undecided whether to take the badge from Levi’s jacket. He doesn’t. Those wings are Levi’s. He earned them. Fought hard for them. Laid down his life for them. 

It’s dawn when they arrive back at the gate, and they’re all there, waiting for the Survey Corps’ heroic return; Pixis and Zackley, even the queen is there. 

Nile strides towards him, hand outstretched. 

“Erwin! I owe you an apology. Who’d have thought all those crackpot theories of yours would turn out to be true? I know I made fun of you, I thought you were just being stubborn and overthinking things, but I’ll admit I was wrong.”

Erwin just stares at him. 

“Let me be the first to shake you by the hand.” Nile continues, thrusting out his hand. 

“He’s dead.” 

“Who?” Nile’s brows crease in confusion. 

“Levi. He’s dead.” 

“Oh.”

There is no time to mourn or to grieve. Every waking hour is taken up with planning, meetings, discussions, trying to make sense of this new world and their place in it. Erwin applies himself with his characteristic diligence and zeal. Despite Hanji’s admonitions that he needs to rest, he never stops. Afraid that if he does he will crumble from the vast weight of guilt and emptiness that is the only thing anchoring him to this hell. 

They reach the ocean, and although Erwin can not share in their jubilation, he is stunned by the sight. The old forbidden books had led him to believe that the sea was blue, like the sky, but it’s not. It’s grey. Myriad shades of shifting, shimmering, fathomless grey. The exact same colour as Levi’s eyes. He had always struggled to put into words the unique colour of Levi’s eyes. Now he knows. Levi’s eyes are, _were_ , the colour of the sea. 

He goes back to Shiganshina alone to recover Levi’s bones. There’s precious little left. His sturdy wool cape is still intact, so he wraps Levi’s remains in the Wings of Freedom and carries him home. The remains of the Survey Corps soldiers are interred in a grand mausoleum in Mitras. The names of each of the fallen engraved in gold, and at their head, Captain Levi Ackerman. But Levi isn’t there. Erwin insists on burying him in the small cemetery behind the old chateau that once served as the Survey Corps’ head quarters. He chooses a sunny corner and lays him to rest beneath the spreading branches of an old copper beech tree that shades his grave with dappled light in the summer, and shrouds it in fallen leaves, as red as blood, in the autumn. 

Their room remains untouched. Levi’s clothes hang neatly in the cupboard. Their teacups sit on the shelf beside the tea caddy, waiting for their return. The candle on the round table by the window is the same one that Levi snuffed out with his fingers the night before they left for Shignashina. Erwin lives mostly in his office, or wherever business takes him, sleeping fitfully on couches, chairs, in carriages, anywhere but their bed. On the rare occasions that Erwin does return to their room, he drinks until he falls into oblivion. 

In the silence and the absence the dust settles. It’s months before Erwin notices it and, when he does, he panics. What would Levi say if he could see this neglect? It almost feels like a second betrayal. Erwin cleans in a frenzy, muttering apologies under his breath. In his haste, a teacup slips from his fingers, as it shatters on the floor, something inside Erwin breaks and he falls to his knees and weeps. 

That’s where Hanji finds him hours later, sitting on the floor among shards of china, his face streaked with tears.

“I broke it.” Is all he can say. 

“Hush,” Hanji says, cradling him in their arms. “It’s just a tea cup.”

“My promise. I broke my promise to him.” 

“What promise? What are you talking about Erwin?” 

_Give up on your dream and die. Lead those recruits into hell, and I will take down the Beast Titan._

“I didn’t die.” 

Every breath he takes is a betrayal. 

“Stop,” Hanji says and their grip is like a vice. “This isn’t what he would have wanted. This isn’t what any of them would have wanted.” And there’s sadness and anger in their voice, their own grief simmering below the surface. “He’d kick your ass so hard if he could see you now. You’re not finished yet Erwin Smith. You still have a job to do. You still have to save humanity. You owe it to him.” 

_Levi, let’s save humanity together._

So he does. 

Erwin picks himself up and he saves humanity. He uses every weapon at his disposal; diplomacy, negotiation, alliances, trade deals, education, legislation, and, when necessary, subterfuge, manipulation and espionage. He dispatches envoys, emissaries, attachés and ambassadors to every corner of the globe. He shows the world the real face of the island devils they have feared for so long; just ordinary people with the all same hopes and dreams, fears and failings. He agrees a tentative peace treaty with Marley and establishes trade agreements with Hizuru. He keeps a close eye on the Yeager brothers while allowing them enough rope the hang themselves. When a Yeagerist insurrection threatens the military command, he crushes it swiftly and ruthlessly. The ringleaders are executed without ceremony, the followers pardoned and shown clemency. Erwin watches and waits until inevitably one of the Yeager brothers betrays the other, and then, with the help of Historia, Armin, and the Marley Warriors, they end the power of the Titans once and for all. Their last act is to destroy the walls. Erwin watches from a hilltop outside Shiganshina as the walls fall and millions of wall Titans crumble to dust. Even from this distance he can hear bells ringing out in jubilation all over the island. 

After the war is over, Erwin steps down as Commander of the Survey Corps. He refuses all accolades, honours, and several proposals of marriage. He bequeaths his pension to families bereaved and left destitute by the war, and establishes a foundation to foster cultural exchange between Paradis and the world. And then, Erwin Smith slips quietly out of public life. 

He retires to a small house overlooking the ocean on the northern coast of Paradis. The weather up in the far north is unpredictable and stormy, but he never tires of watching the shifting moods of the sea. It’s beautiful in any season. Just as he was. Erwin never manages to shake the dark moods that settle over him on the anniversary of the Return to Shiganshina, the crushing feelings of guilt, of promises unfulfilled, of dues unpaid. And sometimes he wonders if it was all worth it, if dreams are maybe better left unfulfilled, if saving humanity was worth loosing Levi Ackerman. But in his heart of hearts Erwin knows that the reason Levi chose to follow him, the reason Levi trusted him, the reason Levi _loved_ him, was that he knew Erwin would always place humanity above all else. He just needed Levi to remind him of that. 

He still keeps Levi’s uniform folded neatly in the chest at the end of his bed and his dreams are still filled with grey eyes, strong arms, and a body like a prayer. 

Hanji is the only one who knows where to find Erwin, and every year without fail they take the long road north to visit, bringing him gifts and news from wherever their travels have taken them. 

“Erwin!” Hanji calls, as they shoulder their way into the kitchen, arms filled with packages. “Sorry it took me so long to get here, I’m getting too bloody old for trekking all the way up here. When are you going to move back to civilization?” They dump the parcels on the table and make their way out to the verandah where Erwin is sitting in his customary chair overlooking the ocean, as the sun sinks into the sea in a glorious blaze of colour. 

“Erwin?” Hanji repeats, but he doesn't respond. 

His eyes are closed, reading glasses perched on the end of his aquiline nose. It looks as though he might be sleeping if it wasn’t for the hand hanging limp by his side, the pallor of his cheeks. Hanji places a hand against his cold forehead and sighs. The cup of coffee by Erwin’s side is still faintly warm, and Hanji recognises the cup as the surviving pair of the one he broke all those years ago. They also recognise the old Survey Corps jacket draped across his knees, a jacket much too small for a man of Erwin’s size. 

“I think you’ve earned your rest,” Hanji says as they lift the glasses gently from his nose and slip them into the jacket pocket. “Go on, he’s been waiting long enough.”


End file.
